What if I’m attracted to someone else?
The way this question is worded is a bit misleading. It’s not if you will be attracted to someone other than your spouse, but when. As head over heels as you might be when you say, “I do,” endurance through the commitment of marriage includes the reality of temptation.
Every married person is at risk of an affair because our commitment will be tested. If you say, “No, I’d never do that!” take to heart what Paul wrote in 1 Cor. 10:12, “If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!”.
I had been meeting with Lisa for about two months before she confessed an affair.
During our first several meetings, she talked about her disappointment in marriage and other irritations of life. Then, the day came when she felt safe enough to tell me about Doug. They had met at the gym several months earlier and been drawn to each other immediately. Lisa and Doug began “coincidentally” showing up at the gym at the same time and got to know each other. Eventually, they began meeting over coffee.
“Juli, Doug is so kind and sensitive! He loves the Lord and has really helped me grow in my faith. God knows how lonely I’ve been in my marriage. I believe he’s providing Doug as an answer to my prayer for true companionship.”
Okay . . . reality check. God will never answer your prayers by inviting you into sin. How could a grounded Christian woman like Lisa have gotten so far off base? Because Satan is the deceiver. He will tempt you to doubt the truth about what is good and what is evil.
God has equipped our bodies with very powerful hormones that kick in when we enter a new romantic relationship. In Question 20, I wrote about how God has given us dopamine, PEA, and adrenaline as a powerful mix of brain chemicals when we engage in a new intimate or sexual experience. This gift of powerful chemicals, intended to draw a newly married couple together, can cause you to temporarily feel euphoric love with someone new. The tingles of a new relationship can and will blind you to reality. If you do not fight to find true north according to God’s Word, you will make a disastrous decision that has far-reaching consequences. No matter how much you believe that this new relationship will make your life better, it won’t in the long run. No amount of money, great sex, or romance can compensate for walking away from fellowship with God and representing Jesus Christ to your spouse, children, and community.
PREPARE IN ADVANCE
How many affairs would be avoided if we would simply anticipate that it’s normal to be tempted? The day will likely come when you find yourself drawn to someone who appears to be better suited for you than your spouse.
Attraction doesn’t always come in the form of physical or sexual desire. Sometimes it begins as a friendship or someone who understands us in a season of struggle. For example, I’ve known women who were once happily married, but who are drawn into a female friendship that begins crossing appropriate boundaries. You can be attracted to someone’s personality, status, or even spiritual depth.
Since you know this day will come, prepare for it now. Remember in elementary school all of the times you had a fire drill or tornado drill? Why do we have fire drills? To prepare for a real danger during a time that is not a crisis. Using that same wisdom, come up with a plan now for what you will do when temptation comes. How will you respond? Who will you call for help?
You need a friend in your life who has permission to ask you the hard questions about your marriage. Just like the fire drill, if you have already determined where to “run,” you won’t be paralyzed when a true danger threatens your marriage.
RUN FAST
Affairs always begin with a temptation—an attraction. And that attraction can send you into a tailspin of doubt. Did you marry the wrong person? Have you fallen out of love? Does God have someone else for you who will more adequately meet your needs?
Right after Paul told us to be careful not to fall, he gave some very practical advice about how to handle temptation in 1 Cor. 10-13: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it”.
While temptation is unavoidable, sin is still inexcusable. Even if you feel overwhelmingly attracted to someone else, unfaithfulness doesn’t have to be your destiny. God has promised to provide a way out for those who are willing to run to Him.
There is a time to walk and then there is a time to run. People don’t casually stroll out of a burning building. They run for their lives. Paul says sexual temptation represents a time to run. “Flee sexual temptation!” 1 Cor. 6:18 and 2 Tim. 2:22 say. Joseph demonstrated what “fleeing” looks like. He literally ran away from Potiphar’s wife when she tried to seduce him in Gen. 39:12. He didn’t stop to think about the consequences or figure out how he could keep the woman happy while not going “all the way.” He simply ran.
“There’s no harm in a little flirting,” you might think. Yes, there is great harm. The longer you linger in temptation, the more opportunity the enemy has to deceive you.
What does “running” look like? It means not giving the relationship any chance to develop. If you have to, change jobs, move to another neighborhood, and absolutely refuse to be alone with the person who represents the temptation.
REACH OUT FOR HELP
One of the most dangerous things to do when you are attracted to someone is to keep it your little secret. You may be embarrassed to admit to a friend your secret crush, or you may be afraid that being honest will mean you have to give it up.
In some cases, I think it’s appropriate to tell your spouse. “Babe, I just need you to know that there is someone at work who I’ve committed to never being alone with. Nothing has happened, but I just sense it’s a danger zone.” It would be very difficult for an attraction to take root after this type of honest conversation.
If you do not believe it is wise to talk to your spouse, share the situation with a trusted friend or mentor who can pray with you, give you solid advice and ask you the tough questions about whether or not you are taking the way of escape or continuing to play with fire.
INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE
Thriving in marriage after many decades together isn’t an accident. It’s the result of a choice.
If you’ve ever had a serious health concern, it probably changed the way you approached your health. A near-fatal heart attack will cause most of us to swear off cheeseburgers and cigarettes. The same should be true of how we respond to the possibility of a broken marriage. It should cause us to reexamine what we’ve begun to take for granted.
I know you’ve heard the statement, but it’s worth repeating: “The grass is greener wherever you water it.” Being drawn to someone other than your spouse is not only a temptation, but also an indication that perhaps your marriage needs some watering. It’s a “wake-up call” that your marriage is vulnerable to infidelity. Can you pinpoint what desires you have that are not being met in your marriage?
Maybe it’s time to invest in marriage counseling, get away for some time alone with your spouse, or work on romance and sexual satisfaction in your marriage. Even if you are married to an unresponsive spouse who doesn’t have a strong desire to improve your marriage, how are you investing in the relationship? Do you pray daily for God to give you love and patience? Are you intentional about learning how to build intimacy, as far as it depends on you?
Although investing in your marriage is an important way to respond to a temptation, investing in your relationship with God is even more important. There are some who believe that the greatest weapon against an affair is a strong marriage. I disagree. The greatest weapon against a spiritual threat (and temptation is always a spiritual threat) is a spiritual weapon.
Paul told us specifically how to arm ourselves against the schemes of the devil in Eph. 6:11–18. He told us to be clothed with the armor of God—armor like the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit.
My friend, never try to fight a spiritual temptation solely with emotional or psychological weapons. You will lose. God’s way of escape is to cling to Him and to run to Him. He is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy according to Jude 24.
If I remain faithful throughout the duration of my marriage, it won’t simply be because I love my husband, but will be because of how much I love the Lord. Clinging to Mike might keep me from wandering, but only clinging to Jesus can make my heart pure. Proverbs 18:10 says:
The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous
run to it and are safe.
(Presione aquí para leer en español).
Excerpted from 25 Questions You’re Afraid to Ask About Love, Sex, and Intimacy by Dr. Juli Slattery. © 2026 by Moody Publishers. Used with Permission.
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